So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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