so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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