We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
