Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
sick fucks of a feather flock together
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
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