My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
