I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
