I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
We're too hungover to prance.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
