You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
