dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
