so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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