Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
