in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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