I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
