we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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