i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
