Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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