Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
