I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
