i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
