Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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