Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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