I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Randomize
