I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
