I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
