The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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