4 words: hood of his car
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
