why didn't you poke me back
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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