sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
