If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
