I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
In other news, I just burned my penis
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
