he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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