i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
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