super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
