Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
