My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
