Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Randomize
