She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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