im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
