so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
