When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
