allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
