Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
