Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
