I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
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