woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
