Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
stop calling my apartment porn island.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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