1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
two words: eviction party
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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