I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
