why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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