I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just cropdusted the office
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
