If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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