just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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