Your face is a jimmy john
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
